I feel like I'm getting my old self back. Its like I'm no longer mionggay, the-paranoid-and-insecure-girl-who-has-the-hots-for-her-friend-who-likes-superficial-girls; now I am mionggay, miss-positive-thinking-i'm-going-to-pursue-my-dreams-and-i-don't-care-if-you-dont-like-me.

I have to admit that the past year was catatonic. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to go through such an ordeal. But all is well now and I have a gazillion things that I want to do:

- finish reading wicked
- find a new band to listen to. ( I still love Incubus but I think I want to explore a new sound and I'm thinking along the lines of Muse.)
- get the novel started
- rekindle love for photoshop
- think of new photo concepts

I sure hope to get those done before I add another candle on my cake. Although, the novel might take some time to finish. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get ga-ga over a boy again and forget all the things that i want to accomplish.

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I just got blown-off by fratboy today. Serves me right for even thinking that I can escape the dude if I put fratboy in the picture. There, I said it! I would never admit to it out loud but I just said it! I knew it was going to blow up in my face because I had a devious intention. It always works out that way, if you have a malicious intention towards another person, no matter how small, it is guanrateed to blow up in your face! The universe will always see to that and it will come when you least expect it.

I never should have entertained the thought that fratboy would be my escape from all these drama from the dude. I like fratboy, he is a good friend and he does not deserve to be a spare tire or a some sort of plaster that I would use to cover this void that I have been feeling.

I feel guilty at the thought that he might have felt that I only wanted to spend time with him because the dude is no longer around. Well, I would be lying if I say that there is no truth to that because there is but it is very little.....but it is still there. I'm sorry fratboy. I really am. Although it was really clever of you to not go with my evil plan. Its a good thing that you figured it out before it actually materialized. At least we won't have to cause each other pain in the process.

I feel ashamed because now the dude has got someone and I don't. I feel like a total loser. I guess I really was just kidding myself when I thought that he actually found me interesting. Its so embarassing everytime I hear word about him and this human-form he is with. She's probably very pretty and... I don't know, probably my exact opposite that is why the dude liked her better. Although I am not betting that she is smart, that remains to be seen. What is worst is that I have to deal with news about the dude and that human-form often because he and I move in the same circle. Talk about rubbing salt on the wound. It is because of this that I feel I had to have someone for myself so that I can show the dude that I have also moved on and that I can be liked by other people too. My pathetic need to save-face drove me to ask fratboy out though it did not go the way I planned it. He probably realized that I'm on the rebound and he doesn't want to be the rebound guy.

Well, I won't argue with that but it is not entrirely true. Like I said, I like frat boy. I like talking to him.... because he talks back. He doesn't just say "ok" or "uh huh". He actually listens and interacts with me. I guess I didn't show the right signals. Sometimes being transparent does not work out for the best.

What is there left to do? I blew it.

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I have finally come into terms on how I am going to deal with this "drama" with the dude.

For one thing I really should not feel bad about myself because he did not choose me. Its probably for the best. Besides, just because he rejected me doesn't mean that no one will EVER like me anymore. Its not like I only had one shot at this. I mean if you really think about it, my thing with him was barely a shot at happiness. It was more like life's way of telling me that I can actually survive reality and that I should not always stay within the safe confines of my imagination.

Secondly, I realized that he and I are waaaaaaaaaay too different to even stand each other. We have not spoken to each other for weeks now and it has been the most peaceful time that I ever had with him. There was no drama, no disappointments and no more bad memories being brought up at the most inappropriate moments. It has been...well, okay so far.

Now that I think about it, being secret friends is what we started as anyway and maybe we should have stayed that way. It is more pleasant to be friends with him when we are not interacting in person. I have come to realize that I enjoy receiving the forwarded messages or group broadcasts - that he sends to me and our other friends - than actually talking to him when he is just being obnoxious.

I was so silly to ever think that he and I are going to be great together and even more foolish to act upon a silly thought.

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Here's the deal.

I went to the INCUBUS concert last Sunday and my voice has not recovered since. I have been sick for a week with a very bad cold and massive amount of coughing. I was almost well on the day of the concert but the presence of Brandon Boyd did not contribute to my full recovery. I was screaming my lungs out during the first 30 minutes until my voice gave out.

It was so fun!

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its the first day of my rest day and i went to my parent's house for a visit and because I'm not feeling well. I guess it doesn't matter how grown-up you think you are, you tend to heal faster when you're mom is around.

i come visit my folks every week and i usually just sleep through it with my job being on a grave yard shift, I'm usually asleep during the day (very vampire-like! ok I just had to write that!) This week has been different because I called in sick the night before and i was able to get a good 8 hour sleep.

so I was lounging in my room, reading Eclipse while i was convalescing. After reading all afternoon I took a break from Edward and poked around my shelf. I haven't touched it since I moved out 2 years ago. I found some quotations- neatly printed in two columns on a white sheet of paper - that i used to collect and re-write on my beautiful notebook with texts copied from the calligraphy book i had since college. I also found my journal from three years ago. I read the last four pages and i can't believe how juvenile my thoughts were back then. There was one entry about a boy that i have been crushing on but i did not write his name in it. Now i can't remember who the entry was about and it got me thinking, would i feel the same for the dude three years from now? Will his memory fall into obscurity as well?

Last year i was so totally smitten over him and now after everything that happened between us i am beginning to think less and less of him. Sure, i still look forward to seeing him at work and talking about senseless stuff with him however the realization that he and i will never be grows stronger everyday. It also helps that he is a jerk most of the time, i can never get a decent word out of him. his responses are often obnoxious and annoying, even on things that matter which makes it easier for me to ignore him. easier and necessary.

i guess we'll just have to wait and see if in two years i will still be writing about him.

ok now back to Edward.....laters!

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ok so its a teeny novel about undying love between a vampire and a human, but who doesn't like a good love story every now and then.

it was recommended by a friend who works at Barnes and I have never been hooked on a book since Harry Potter. This sure is burning a hole in my pocket because it does not come cheap. But it doesn't matter as long as I have Edward!

This book got me thinking, maybe i should look for older men, say, 106 years older! It wouldn't hurt if he is a vampire and is extremely good looking!

Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Categories: twilight [t], edward [t], bella [t]